July 7, 2012 by Henry Popiolek
The 4th of July at 4:19 PM was when Robin van Persie updated the fans.
Hoards of betrayed Gooners hurling twitter abuse, crying or making hilarious YouTube videos soon followed. Along with some interesting takes on the whole situation. Here are the best 5 of those takes.
#5 Leaving Arsene’s orphanage now that he’s all grown up
Robin was just a wee little kid when kind old Arsene decided to get him into the Arsenal orphanage. Arsene nurtured him from day 1; he would care for him, he would feed him and he would always take him to the doctors when poor Robin was ill. Arsene’s doubters often questioned whether he was making the right decision in being so faithful to the eternally bed-ridden Dutchman, but the orphanage manager stubbornly stuck with him.
Eventually young Robin became older Robin- older Robin was a great product of the orphanage and Arsene was very proud of him. Older Robin went on to have a very successful career and it was all thanks to dear, old Arsene. The doubters threw their praise on Wenger, and everything was jolly.
Then all of a sudden Robin realized that he’d been leading a lie all his life. That the Arsenal orphanage wasn’t where he was meant to be- he was too good for that place. He knew that the orphanage had been kind to him, but he also knew that he was destined for bigger things. So, after an awkward goodbye, he ran away.
#4 Rejecting a marriage proposal from his long-term girlfriend in favor of a trophy wife
Whenever the Dutchman was down, Arsenal would be there. Whenever he needed help, Arsenal would be there. Whenever the Dutchman started to doubt himself, Arsenal would make him feel better. The two had known each other for a long-time, and the relationship between them had been blossoming. Neither could really have asked for more, it was going perfectly. So perfectly in fact, that Arsenal decided to propose to their long-term boyfriend in the form of offering him a contract.
Despite the fact that Van Persie didn’t believe in love, he had always thought that he was going to stay with Arsenal, but now he saw how desperate they were to keep him and how reliant on him they had become. He never really liked clingy other halves and eventually came to the decision that Arsenal just wasn’t the one for him. To soften the blow he told his ex that she’d always have a place in his heart and that he just had to move on.
He would much prefer a trophy life, someone beautiful who would impress all his friends. Someone that he would be proud of being seen in public with, someone with money and someone who looked pretty no matter what. So he decided he go out and look for one.
#3 Just a passenger on the ship, the ship will always be there
Arsenal is a big ol’ ship, Wenger is the slightly mad sea capt’n and the players are the crew.
Yes, vice-capt’n Persie was important to the crew. In fact, he was the gunner, the one who they relied on to get them out of sticky situations, although no-one liked to admit it, he was pretty much the main man on the ship. At times it was his crucial shots that saved the ship in vital battles.
But one day the Arsenal ship had a big battle with another ship and the other ship grabbed van Persie. They still aren’t sure if it was the ship from Madrid, the blue Manchester ship or even the red Manchester ship that kidnapped the vice-capt’n in the raid. But the fact is that he was stolen from them.
To console his crew, Wenger kept repeating “no matter who joins the crew or who leaves the crew, the ship will keep on sailing.”
…just maybe not in the right direction.
#2 Being cared for as a sick little puppy and then running away as a Labrador
As soon as Wenger visited the RSPCA he knew that the dutch puppy was the one for him. It would be wrong to say that no-one else wanted the puppy, but only Wenger could see the potential beauty that this puppy could become.
The puppy didn’t have an easy life for many years. He’d often get injured while playing with other dogs and he didn’t always fit in with the other puppies. But Wenger was always there to take him for walks, to comfort him and to groom him.
Eventually the sad, little puppy became a wonderfully beautiful Labrador. Wenger was thrilled, the dog had realized his potential and he thought that he would be great under Wenger’s ownership.
Then one day, the dog tragically ran away from Wenger. No-one really knows why.
#1 Trying to explain to his wife that it’s not his fault that he wants to have sex with the babysitter
Van Persie and his wife, Arsenal, were set for a long, fulfilling retirement together. They had a few more years of work and then they would have been able to share less stressful, quality time with each other.
What Arsenal didn’t know, is that van Persie was really, secretly into the babysitter. The babysitter was quite rich, quite young and everyone seemed to like her- van Persie just couldn’t resist trying it with this much sought-after bird from Manchester who wore blue and eventually he gave in to his desires.
Robin still loves Arsenal and they’ll always have a place in his heart but he just couldn’t resist that babysitter.