Football Jokes: Part 2

A new Mr Men character has been suggested, based on Emile Heskey. 
Mr Sitter.
 

                                                                                                  

Burglars broke into the Everton trophy room and stole the entire contents….
Police are looking for 2 men carrying a blue carpet.

                                                                                                  

Fast forward to 2014 – it is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Neymar goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re sh*te and we can’t be bothered”.
Neymar looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”
So Neymar goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the sports news. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 – 0 England (Neymar ’12)”. He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on”. They put the TV back on.
“England snatch a late draw –  Brazil 1 – 1 England”.
They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”
“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”
“No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 48 minutes.”

                                                                                                  

Bob receives a free corporate ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realises the seat is in the corner of the stadium giving him a terrible view of the other end of the pitch, and his view is obstructed by a TV camera.  About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows up from the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way down the stands to the empty seat. An elderly gentleman is sitting next to the empty seat. “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” asks Bob. The man says no.  Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the match, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?” The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I come every year with my wife, but she passed away this year. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1962.”“Well, that’s really sad, I’m so sorry.” says Bob, “Still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative, a close friend?” “No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

                                                                                                  

Once a journalist told him “Carpe Diem”, to which Francesco Totti replied: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English.”

                                                                                                  

How many city fans does it take to change a light bulb? . – “None, they’re all happy living in United’s shadow”

                                                                                                  

A United fan, a Liverpool fan and a Arsenal fan were caught by Saudi-Arabian police
And were sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be…. Released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
The Sheikh allowed everyone of the fans a wish before taking the lashes, the Arsenal fan asked the seikh to tie a pillow in his back, but the pillow lasted only for 10 lashes. Liverpool fan asked the seikh to tie two pillows in his back though it only lasted for 15 lashes. The seikh then turned to the ManUtd fan and said “You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!” “Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, The ManUtd fan replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 200 lashes. ”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave. “The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 200 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be? ” the Sheik asks. “Please tie the Liverpool fan to my back.”

                                                                                                  

As I was walking home from work last week I noticed a Tottenham Hotspur season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought to myself ‘I’m having that!’ ‘cos you can never have enough nails, can you?

                                                                                                  

Which football team makes the worst half-time sandwhiches?
Oldham.

                                                                                                  

Craig Whyte has just been banned from any involvement in Scottish Football for life.
Celtic are apparrently keen to appeal it.

                                                                                                  

A Glasgow Rangers supporter, wearing his club jersey after watching his team played, went to a bar. The bar was filled with Celtic supporters. 
The owner of the bar, also a Celtic supporter, said to the Rangers supporter
“We give Rangers supporter a chance to throw a dice here. When the dice showed the number 1 until 5, he will not go out of this bar safely.”
“What happened if my dice showed the number 6?”
“Well, you can have another throw.”

                                                                                                  

And the best is left to last, Billy Connolly’s sketch on the Old Firm fans:

                                                                                                  

This is the second part of our Football Jokes series. Check out the first part here.
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