Football Jokes

What’s the difference between England, and a teabag?…

Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

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It’s the FA Cup final, Liverpool vs Everton (that’s not the punchline). Tickets sold out in five minutes, the whole city is heading to Wembley. A man notices at half time that the fella in front has had an empty seat next to him the whole match, this is baffling considering how important this game is.

So he asks him: “Ey mate, how come there’s nobody sitting next to you?”

He replies “That was my wife’s seat, we’ve been going the game together for 15 years now, but she sadly passed away recently”

“Oh I’m sorry for bringing it up, terrible news, but do you not have any friends or family you could have gave the spare ticket to?”

“Well yeah, but they’re all at her funeral”

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It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

“What’s up?” he asks. “Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Scotland. They’re shite and we can’t be bothered”.

Ronaldo looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub.”

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 – Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)”. He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on”. They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium “Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) – Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)”.

They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, No, I have, I’ve let you down… I got sent off after 12 minutes”


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John Terry, Fabio Cannavaro and Sergio Ramos came to see God. God asks Terry what does he want and Terry says “I was a good defender. Although I didn’t won anything with my national team I won almost everything with Chelsea. So I was wondering if I could go to heaven” and God lets him in. Then he asks Cannavaro “What do you want?” and Cannavaro answers “I was one of the best defenders of all time , I have won almost every trophy that can be won including a World Cup and the Ballon d’Or and I also want to go to heaven” so God lets him in. Lastly, he turns to Ramos “And what do you want?” and Ramos answers “Oh, I just came for the ball”.

 


 

The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. ‘Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.’ ‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.’ The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m really sorry.’ ‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ says his mum, ‘It’s your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!

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An Aston Villa fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Aston Villa have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. “That’s amazing,” says the barman, “what does he do when they win?”

The Aston Villa Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies, “I dunno… I’ve only had the dog for eight months.”

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they just sit around talking about how good the old one was.


Alan Pardew walks into a bank in Newcastle. He walks up to the teller and says: “I’d like to withdraw £5,000 please“.

The teller replies “Certainly sir! All I need is to see some identification.” Pardew, taken aback, replies “This is really embarrassing. But I don’t have any I.D. on me. But I’m Alan Pardew. You can ask anybody around here. They will tell you who I am.” The teller replies sternly “I know who you are sir. But I still need some sort of proof of identification. I’m sorry.”

Bemused, Pardew asks “is there really nothing you can do?” The teller says “Well. There is one thing. A number of years ago we had this same situation with Obafemi Martins. Obafemi came in without any form of I.D. to prove who he was. So he said he would prove it by doing something an impostor couldn’t possibly do. He set a football down in the street outside. He then proceeded to kick it as hard as he possibly could. He kicked the ball so far, we knew it had to be him.” Alan replies: “Interesting. Were there any other cases?”

The teller smiles and replies:”Yes actually. Not two months ago we had Hatem Ben Arfa in. Same problem again. So Hatem proceeds to put the ball on the floor, and starts juggling it with his feet. He goes on to do a number of tricks, and we knew it absolutely had to be him.

“So Sir, is there anything you could do to prove to us who you are?” the teller asks.

Pardew stops to think for a minute. He shakes his head and replies “I can’t think of anything at all. I’m not sure if there’s a solution here. Honestly, I’m drawing a blank…”

The teller asks “Will that be large or small notes sir?”


It’s the FA Cup final, Liverpool vs Everton (that’s not the punchline). Tickets sold out in five minutes, the whole city is heading to Wembley. A man notices at half time that the fella in front has had an empty seat next to him the whole match, this is baffling considering how important this game is.

So he asks him: “Ey mate, how come there’s nobody sitting next to you?”

He replies “That was my wife’s seat, we’ve been going the game together for 15 years now, but she sadly passed away recently”

“Oh I’m sorry for bringing it up, terrible news, but do you not have any friends or family you could have gave the spare ticket to?”

“Well yeah, but they’re all at her funeral”


An Aston Villa fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Aston Villa have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. “That’s amazing,” says the barman, “what does he do when they win?”

The Aston Villa Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies, “I dunno… I’ve only had the dog for eight months.”

Edit : Hope you lot stay up lads


Chelsea just finished a champions league away game in Barcelona and they were going to a club to celebrate there win. So in the club a girl approaches Gary Cahill and asks him to sign her head and he does. Another girl goes to Terry and asks him to sign her boobs and he does. Another girl goes to Abrahimobitch and asks him to sign her vagina, he declines and says this “You think I’m stupid? I’m not falling for this again, the last Spanish cunt I signed cost me 50 million pounds”.


Messi is out at a bar, and flirting with a good looking woman. She invites him over to her house, and she goes into the bathroom, telling Messi to get comfortable.
She comes back and finds Messi laying in bed with 2 naked men. She exclaims, “What the hell is going on?!” to which Messi sheepishly replies:
“I’m sorry! I can’t perform without Xavi or Iniesta!”

                                                                                                  

 

I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.  I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer.  I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

                                                                                                  

 

Have you heard about the new Arsenal Bra?
It has a lot of support but no cups.

                                                                                                  

 

Rihanna should marry Liverpool players instead of Chris Brown, they don’t beat anyone.

                                                                                                  

 

A guy pulls alongside a small boy on the pavement,
‘I’ll give you some sweets if you get in the car.’
‘No, leave me alone,’ the boy replies.
‘Come on, I’ll take you for ice cream later as well,’ he insists.
The boy suddenly stops and turns to the man and says,
Fuck off Dad, I’m not going to White Hart Lane again no matter what you say.’

                                                                                                  

 

Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams.
The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?”
God Replies, “In the next five years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?”
The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.”
“But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man.
The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Barcelona stop buying the refs?”.
God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”

                                                                                                  

 

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

                                                                                                  

 

My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.

                                                                                                  

 

BREAKING NEWS: Emile Heskey just went on a large shooting spree in Birmingham…
No-one was hit.

                                                                                                  

 

David Beckham has snubbed a move to Paris St. Germain: “German is a hard language to learn and I want to finish trying to learn American.”

                                                                                                  

 

Man United have rested Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie and Howard Webb for next week’s game against Swansea.

                                                                                                  

 

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die when liverpool win the premier league.”
“You crafty ****!” said the fairy.

                                                                                                  

 

BREAKING NEWS: David Blaine’s 40-day world record for doing nothing inside a box has been broken by Fernando Torres.

                                                                                                  

Sir Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsène Wenger’s team went on such a magnificent unbeaten run, so he decides on a visit to Arsenal’s training ground to see how Wenger trains his players.
After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. “Well, it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally”. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Thierry Henry to come over. He asks: “Henry, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is not difficult,” Henry answers immediately, “Of course that is me.” “You see? That’s the way you keep them sharp,” Wenger says to Ferguson.
Fergie, who wants to be the next “Invincibles”, decides to bring this into his training the next day. He calls Ruud van Nistlerooy over. “Ruud, I have a question for you,” he says, “He is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son, who is he?” “My God, Ferguson,” is van Nistlerooy’s reply, “That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that for one night?” Ferguson agrees with the one-night postponement.
So that night RvN decides to call Jaap Stam. He has been at Manchester United, so maybe he knows something about these questions. “Jaap Stam, maybe you know the answer to this question: he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?” “That is easy, that is me!” says Stam.
So the next day RvN walks full of confidence to Fergie. Fergie asks: “Ruud, do you know the answer to my question now?” “Yes it was actually very easy,” he says, “Is it Jaap Stam?”
Ferguson answers, “No of course not you stupid bastard. It’s Thierry Henry.”

                                                                                                  

 

So a hot chick, a nun, a Galatasaray supporter and a Fenerbahce supporter are sitting together in a train.
They drive through a tunnel and suddenly the lights go out and it is completely dark in the cabin. Then there is a clapping sound just before the train leaves the tunnel. In the light again the Galatasaray fan is holding his cheek.
So the Galataaray fan thinks: “Damn, that Fenerbahce supporter must have tried to touch the hot chick, she must have thought it was me and slapped me in the face.”
The nun thinks: “That’s right. He must have tried to touch that young girl, but she didn’t want it and defended herself”
The girl thinks: “Oh, he surely wanted to touch me, but inadvertently touched the nun and she must have protected herself!”
The Fenerbahce supporter thinks: “Excellent, in the next tunnel I’ll punch that Glatasaray fan again!”

                                                                                                  

 

Ceasefire in Syria as UN send in Fernando Torres – No shots reported so far.

                                                                                                  

 

A young mother was pushing her baby along the street in Manchester when suddenly a huge rottweiler dog lunged towards the pram, gnashing its teeth. The young woman thought for a moment that the dog would kill them when suddenly a man rushed over, wrestled with the rottweiler and broke its neck with his bare hands.
Another man rushed to the scene and said, “I am a reporter and I saw everything that happened. Wait until I put the headline in my paper. It will read ‘Manchester United fan saves baby from savage rottweiler!”
“No you can’t write that!” replied the man.
“But why not?” said the reporter.
“Because I am not a Manchester United fan, that’s why!” replied the man.
“Oh, okay then,” said the reporter, “I will write Manchester City supporter saves mother and baby from savage rottweiler!”
“You can’t write that either,” said the man.
“Why not?” asked the reporter.
“Because I am a Liverpool fan!” replied the man.
“Oh I see,” said the reporter, “How about this then, ‘Scouse mauls family pet!”

                                                                                                  

 

What do you call a Polish urine test? a Piszcek

                                                                                                  

Credit goes to r/soccer for the majority of the jokes. looking for football facts?
Check out the second part of our football jokes here
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5 Comments

  1. adam May 29, 2013
  2. Pingback: Football Jokes: Part 2 | Foot and Ball July 13, 2013
  3. lol May 20, 2014
  4. Paul Pogba May 25, 2015
  5. Football Jokes December 25, 2016
  6. ShanaJuicy June 25, 2018

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